I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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