hotel room ftw
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize