I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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