So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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