so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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