You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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