I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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