I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
