sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
