Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize