It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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