he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
