you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
