god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
