Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize