Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
