Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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