I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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