I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
