I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
