I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
