I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
