Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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