I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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