I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize