My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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