He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
