They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
