how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
