someone owes me an orgasm
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
