I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
