I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
