When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
