If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
