Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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