I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
