I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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