you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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