I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
