So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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