I am spending my child support on dildos
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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