paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she woke up with a sticky ear
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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