theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
