I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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