I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
