i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
