The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize