Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
