please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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