I wish I could teleport
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
