Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
