I met the friendliest cop last night
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
