I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
