I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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