im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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