why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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