Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We are two peas in an std pod
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
