i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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